HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in the laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see boyfriend or husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with grapefruit and mint. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa-cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head. If you see your husband or your boyfriend along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a pile on the floor. Walk naked to the bathroom. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair (if any). Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire yourself in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU’RE LAUGHING NOW BECAUSE MOST OF IT IS TRUE! ! ! ! !
Anyway, for the ladies here, if you want to get hold of SquidLondon’s beauty shower curtain (psst… changing colour when wet) follow the link here